Today I'm writing a series of reviews. Yay, another blogger is feeling so smart that he thinks he should start telling everyone what's wrong with everything. Yep, totally! Today I'm gonna try to tell you everything that is wrong (and maybe few things that are good) with some recent pop Christmas songs.
Santa Baby-Taylor Swift
Seriously, you're only nineteen baby. It might be pushing things a little to expect him to be giving ya a ring yet seeing as he's like a hundred years older than you. Maybe you deserve a platinum mine for putting out Fearless Platinum, but that's debatable. And as far as the car and stuff goes buy it yourself, you're the one making millions. It's a catchy song though.
Last Christmas-Glee Cast
If you can't take a month off Taylor Swift style romance songs for Christmas this might be just the song for you. Lots of bells and Christmas is mentioned in all but one verse. Otherwise give me a break and listen to some real music.
The Christmas Song-Owl City
First, it's Owl City so it must be cool. Second, it's Owl City so it must be really cool. Third, it's Owl City so it's catchy and potentially annoying. Fourth, although it's Owl City it seems to have a slight point. Fifth, Owl City breaks all the rules of pop culture and mentions what the whole point of Christmas is "I believe Jesus is the only way, and I celebrate Christmas 'cause it's his birthday."
It Snowed-Meaghan Smith
What do you know, it snowed last night. The good is that it has a bit of a soft jazz flavor from the classic Christmas songs by Perry Como and Frank Sinatra. The bad is that she can't seem to figure out anything to say except that it snowed last night so we should play hooky.
Feliz Navidad-Boney M
If you still like this song either A. You've been in a time capsule for the last ten years or B. You could listen to a broken record for ten years and still love it.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
IQ
As I mentioned in a previous post chores must happen at the worst times. Recently, it's been hauling firewood and buckets of water in -11 degree weather. This has actually consumed two to three hours of my day for quite a while (one reason I haven't posted recently). The reasoning behind all this is rather complicated; basically, we decided to get a heat pump because A. It's cheaper than an oil furnace and B. It keeps the house warm, however this was made on the assumption C. The guys selling and installing the heat pump knew what they were talking about. C was false. Although they might know how to install a heat pump in any ordinary building, they hugely underestimated the capabilities of our rambling farm house to lose heat.
To make up for their oversight, we build a fire in our fireplace, which heats exactly one whole room (out of the ten or so in our house). So the long and the short of it is that I carry a lot of wood in the freez'n cold weather, so when I get done I can warm my hands over the pile of smoldering sticks (where there's smoke there's fire, right?).
You might be wondering where the buckets of water come in, but then again you might not (there's no rule that you have to have a brain to read this blog). Well, lets just say that it only freezes for a week or so each year so why bother insulating the water pipes to the barn. Yeah, so that means for that "week or so" I get the chore of carrying buckets of water to all the livestock (some of which I wish were deadstock, but that's another story). I've figured out that it takes an average of fourty buckets a day to water three cows and three steers. It also takes an average of two buckets a day to water thirty chickens (however chicken water feeders are rather complicated to use when full of frozen water, trust me). As a bonus who ever guesses the average number of buckets it takes to water two goats, one mini-horse, and a dog, gets brownie points.
So I'll finally get to the title of this post. Lately we've had what you could call a livestock IQ test. This test is pretty simple, however many of your livestock are likely to fail. All the animal has got to do is drink water out of a bucket, however this can prove very challenging for the limited IQ of some idiots we keep on our place. Here's the setup: the animal has a bucket of water in front of it, it must drink this water, the catch is it's below freezing so the water will eventually freeze.
Results on our farm with ratings from one to eleven:
2 Cows; Hmm, it looks like he's putting water in our tub...two hours later...hmm, he must have put a rock in it instead. If we push the tub across the field maybe the rock will turn into water.
1 Chickens: IT'S WATER! MINE! MINE! MINE! Oh, it's just water, I'll get some later...later...this stuff is too cold, I'll wait and then maybe it'll be warm...later still...it's hard...much later...I feel like I'm gonna die of thirst.
8 Goats and Horse: Water, I guess I'll drink some...I'm thirsty again, but the water is covered with ice I guess I better get to licking a hole through it.
11 Dog: This water is crazy HOT! This can't be water! It might kill me!
As the results show, it pays off not to be a total idiot (just see who turns into steaks and chicken pot pie), but if you think too much, it can make you act worse than an idiot.
To make up for their oversight, we build a fire in our fireplace, which heats exactly one whole room (out of the ten or so in our house). So the long and the short of it is that I carry a lot of wood in the freez'n cold weather, so when I get done I can warm my hands over the pile of smoldering sticks (where there's smoke there's fire, right?).
You might be wondering where the buckets of water come in, but then again you might not (there's no rule that you have to have a brain to read this blog). Well, lets just say that it only freezes for a week or so each year so why bother insulating the water pipes to the barn. Yeah, so that means for that "week or so" I get the chore of carrying buckets of water to all the livestock (some of which I wish were deadstock, but that's another story). I've figured out that it takes an average of fourty buckets a day to water three cows and three steers. It also takes an average of two buckets a day to water thirty chickens (however chicken water feeders are rather complicated to use when full of frozen water, trust me). As a bonus who ever guesses the average number of buckets it takes to water two goats, one mini-horse, and a dog, gets brownie points.
So I'll finally get to the title of this post. Lately we've had what you could call a livestock IQ test. This test is pretty simple, however many of your livestock are likely to fail. All the animal has got to do is drink water out of a bucket, however this can prove very challenging for the limited IQ of some idiots we keep on our place. Here's the setup: the animal has a bucket of water in front of it, it must drink this water, the catch is it's below freezing so the water will eventually freeze.
Results on our farm with ratings from one to eleven:
2 Cows; Hmm, it looks like he's putting water in our tub...two hours later...hmm, he must have put a rock in it instead. If we push the tub across the field maybe the rock will turn into water.
1 Chickens: IT'S WATER! MINE! MINE! MINE! Oh, it's just water, I'll get some later...later...this stuff is too cold, I'll wait and then maybe it'll be warm...later still...it's hard...much later...I feel like I'm gonna die of thirst.
8 Goats and Horse: Water, I guess I'll drink some...I'm thirsty again, but the water is covered with ice I guess I better get to licking a hole through it.
11 Dog: This water is crazy HOT! This can't be water! It might kill me!
As the results show, it pays off not to be a total idiot (just see who turns into steaks and chicken pot pie), but if you think too much, it can make you act worse than an idiot.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
All I Want for Christmas
Home Skooled Tee-Kinda self explanatory...
STIHL Hat-What your wife doesn't know is that the only way to buy a STIHL hat is with a saw.
Goat Milk Soap-Yeah, sounds kinda weird, but it works wicked good for taking off grease or anything else you get on yourself around the farm. It's also all natural etc. so your ma should like it.
Carhartt's-You can always use another pair.
iPhone-The perfect way to learn your turkey calls, with this app.
Aeropostle Driggs Flap Pocket Jeans-Cause flap pockets=designer jeans and for $25 that's one awesome deal.
TunesPro.Com gift card-Cause they only charge 19 cents a song (a little math: $0.19 per song multiplied by a 15 song album comes out to about $2.50. A $25 dollar gift card divided by $2.50 equals 10 albums!)
A Million Dollars-(some Dijon ketchup would make an okay substitute)
STIHL Hat-What your wife doesn't know is that the only way to buy a STIHL hat is with a saw.
Goat Milk Soap-Yeah, sounds kinda weird, but it works wicked good for taking off grease or anything else you get on yourself around the farm. It's also all natural etc. so your ma should like it.
Carhartt's-You can always use another pair.
iPhone-The perfect way to learn your turkey calls, with this app.
Aeropostle Driggs Flap Pocket Jeans-Cause flap pockets=designer jeans and for $25 that's one awesome deal.
TunesPro.Com gift card-Cause they only charge 19 cents a song (a little math: $0.19 per song multiplied by a 15 song album comes out to about $2.50. A $25 dollar gift card divided by $2.50 equals 10 albums!)
A Million Dollars-(some Dijon ketchup would make an okay substitute)
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Log Hopping
Well being that we're country boys and our cousin is a city boy of the outdoorsy sorts, we figured a great thing to do while he was visiting was to take a hike in the woods. He was particularly in favor of that plan, since he had bought a brand new GPS the previous weekend. So we each put on our own hiking outfit, mine consisting of All Stars, Levis, and a Softshell, my brother's of farm boots, Costco jeans, and a sweatshirt, and my cousin's of waterproof/lightweight/really fancy and new looking hiking boots, Levis, and a fleece jacket and vest. Thus outfitted we headed out the door.
Probably the most important time of a hike in the woods is that immediately following heading out the door. At this point you must ask and answer some potentially life changing questions: First, are we going to stick to hiking along streams or go cross country? Second, where are we going to go cross country? Third, are we going to use dead reckoning or use a GPS to find our way to this ridge with a logging road on top? Fourth, who's going to be our GPS enabled leader? (the cousin obviously was the de facto for this one).
Time to enter the woods behind our fearless leader and cousin. "Oh, there's an elk trail...and it seems to go the direction the GPS says to go. Let's follow it." Up the side of a hill we climb (I'm pretty sure the elk went down that trail not up). "Hmm, there seems to be a fallen tree in our way...maybe more than one...maybe more like a few hundred." (Time for a side note: These trees happen to be related to something I mentioned in a previous post "Gutters in the Attic." As I mentioned in that post we have had a number of extremely large storms, including ones with hurricane force winds, which I also mentioned didn't help the loggers. The reason for this was that these winds blew over a major part of the forests particularly on ridge tops. So yeah, back to the story) By the time we had traveled about 150ft. (the GPS was obviously miscalibrated since it said 64.3ft.) over, under, and around these fallen trees, we had decided that they should make an organized sport of it. Maybe to be shown between boxing matches to dull the spectators sense of pain. Included in these courses could be bark without logs under it, tipping logs, muddy bogs, blackberry briers, and of course spraying down the course beforehand to make sure it was properly slick.
Well a quarter of a mile (541ft. by his GPS) later, we got to where this logging road was supposed to be. Guess what, we were still in a pile of over sized match sticks. Then he noticed, "Uh oh, I think there's some gravel down there." Yeah, we got to the road which was also covered in fallen trees, which we tried to follow until, "It's four o'clock and the sun goes down in half an hour according to the sun chart on my GPS. We better get home!"
Good Idea of the Day: Let's head for the closest civilization as fast as we can. That meant hiking/climbing/falling back across most of the fallen trees we'd crossed coming in. Finally, we emerged into the forest were we stumbled down a steep hill (my cousin mentioned something about a cliff afterwards), followed a quad trail until we reached the edge of our neighbors property, which happened to be patrolled by wolf/guard dog crosses. That led us to a detour across a creek, through some blackberries, etc. leading us to the road. Stumbling in the door my cousin proudly announced, "We hiked zero-point-three-one miles in only two hours!"
Just in case you hadn't figured it out, although these stories are typically based on real life I bend and or change the facts to suit my purposes. This also means that although I make my cousin out to be an idiot, he actually is a (although still way to civilized) a much better hunter than I am.
Probably the most important time of a hike in the woods is that immediately following heading out the door. At this point you must ask and answer some potentially life changing questions: First, are we going to stick to hiking along streams or go cross country? Second, where are we going to go cross country? Third, are we going to use dead reckoning or use a GPS to find our way to this ridge with a logging road on top? Fourth, who's going to be our GPS enabled leader? (the cousin obviously was the de facto for this one).
Time to enter the woods behind our fearless leader and cousin. "Oh, there's an elk trail...and it seems to go the direction the GPS says to go. Let's follow it." Up the side of a hill we climb (I'm pretty sure the elk went down that trail not up). "Hmm, there seems to be a fallen tree in our way...maybe more than one...maybe more like a few hundred." (Time for a side note: These trees happen to be related to something I mentioned in a previous post "Gutters in the Attic." As I mentioned in that post we have had a number of extremely large storms, including ones with hurricane force winds, which I also mentioned didn't help the loggers. The reason for this was that these winds blew over a major part of the forests particularly on ridge tops. So yeah, back to the story) By the time we had traveled about 150ft. (the GPS was obviously miscalibrated since it said 64.3ft.) over, under, and around these fallen trees, we had decided that they should make an organized sport of it. Maybe to be shown between boxing matches to dull the spectators sense of pain. Included in these courses could be bark without logs under it, tipping logs, muddy bogs, blackberry briers, and of course spraying down the course beforehand to make sure it was properly slick.
Well a quarter of a mile (541ft. by his GPS) later, we got to where this logging road was supposed to be. Guess what, we were still in a pile of over sized match sticks. Then he noticed, "Uh oh, I think there's some gravel down there." Yeah, we got to the road which was also covered in fallen trees, which we tried to follow until, "It's four o'clock and the sun goes down in half an hour according to the sun chart on my GPS. We better get home!"
Good Idea of the Day: Let's head for the closest civilization as fast as we can. That meant hiking/climbing/falling back across most of the fallen trees we'd crossed coming in. Finally, we emerged into the forest were we stumbled down a steep hill (my cousin mentioned something about a cliff afterwards), followed a quad trail until we reached the edge of our neighbors property, which happened to be patrolled by wolf/guard dog crosses. That led us to a detour across a creek, through some blackberries, etc. leading us to the road. Stumbling in the door my cousin proudly announced, "We hiked zero-point-three-one miles in only two hours!"
Just in case you hadn't figured it out, although these stories are typically based on real life I bend and or change the facts to suit my purposes. This also means that although I make my cousin out to be an idiot, he actually is a (although still way to civilized) a much better hunter than I am.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Letters to Santa Vol. 1
This is a guest post by a like minded friend of mine Killian Lowe...
Dear, SANTA (Socialist - American - Needing - Tremendous - Attention)
This year I decided to start at writing my list for Christmas, knowing that its going to be a big year and all. First on my list is Free Market, (this should be easy since its FREE!). the reason I want free market is because I want to sell sodas to my siblings but because of the socialist market system I have to give my sodas to my parents who then divide it amongst my siblings and give me a predetermined amount of pay that turns out to be less then the price of the Soda!! so it would be fantastic if you could supply me with free market so I can once again make money.
Second on my list this year is private health care, because I don't want to go to school to be a doctor.
because lets face it if everyone is in line for the doctor the only way I could get my health checked and taken care of is if I do it myself and you dont want to see me a 10 yr old wielding a scalpel. so to keep me from entering the medical field or amputating a perfectly good arm please privatize health care.
Now I know these seem to be to completely random gifts but the free market and Private health care go hand in hand Santa, for with the new market system I can make the money needed for the doctor's visit and I will be a much healthier child for my parents to adore me with gifts from the closet that they bought from your workshop this thanksgiving.
P.S
I would also like to receive a life size Optimus Prime with real anti- Red Sayings and karate chop action
Thanks
the Goodest child of them all
Dear, SANTA (Socialist - American - Needing - Tremendous - Attention)
This year I decided to start at writing my list for Christmas, knowing that its going to be a big year and all. First on my list is Free Market, (this should be easy since its FREE!). the reason I want free market is because I want to sell sodas to my siblings but because of the socialist market system I have to give my sodas to my parents who then divide it amongst my siblings and give me a predetermined amount of pay that turns out to be less then the price of the Soda!! so it would be fantastic if you could supply me with free market so I can once again make money.
Second on my list this year is private health care, because I don't want to go to school to be a doctor.
because lets face it if everyone is in line for the doctor the only way I could get my health checked and taken care of is if I do it myself and you dont want to see me a 10 yr old wielding a scalpel. so to keep me from entering the medical field or amputating a perfectly good arm please privatize health care.
Now I know these seem to be to completely random gifts but the free market and Private health care go hand in hand Santa, for with the new market system I can make the money needed for the doctor's visit and I will be a much healthier child for my parents to adore me with gifts from the closet that they bought from your workshop this thanksgiving.
P.S
I would also like to receive a life size Optimus Prime with real anti- Red Sayings and karate chop action
Thanks
the Goodest child of them all
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Gutters in the Attic
"Well that wasn't the plan, but long story short, well you know how it goes." It's kinda hard to explain to your friend why you're covered in wet insulation.
"Um, no I don't know how that one goes. Seriously, what's the long story for how you got yourself covered in stink'n insulation?" Says my friend Jordan, who just doesn't get it.
"You're sure ya want the long story?"
"What did I just say, man?"
"Okay, okay, okay, last night we had what would've been The Big Storm. We got the 70-80 mile per hour gusts, handful of inches of rain and all that. Problem was that we were replacing the roof."
"Would've been The Big Storm?"
"'K, short history lesson. This year's storm would've been The Big Storm, except that last year we had a storm where it dumped rain like crazy and it just about flooded the house. That would've been The Big Storm, except for the year before that. 'Cause that year we had this really big wind and rain storm which blew over close to half of the woods, which didn't do the loggers no favors. And in that storm it knocked out the power for a couple days, and flooded out the next valley over, making it The Big Storm. Even though the year before we had named that winters storm The Big Storm for other various reasons. So yeah, we'd got a carpenter friend of ours to pull off the roof and he started putting on some new shingles when the weather gets a bit wet, so he figures he'd better seal stuff up. He tar-papered the whole thing, which should keep all the rain from leak'n through."
"Dude, why do you put tar paper on your roof? Even I know paper isn't water proof."
"Jordan, you are a city boy! Paper ain't water proof, but if ya soak it in tar it is. He had that paper on good and tight. No water was gonna get through it, but then we heard there was high wind warning, but we were still like "no worries, this can handle a little wind." As usual though, it wasn't a little wind, it was a BIG wind. Dur'n the evening my mom comes down the stairs from her room freak'n out like crazy. It seems that there was water pour'n through the ceiling into her room and just about every where else too."
"So maybe your tar paper leaked?"
"Well after setting up margarine tubs and anything else we could think of under the leaks, we went to see what we could see. And there was that tar paper hanging off the edge of the roof, most of the way torn off."
"I thought you put that tar paper on tight."
"There's a difference between tight and hurricane proof. When the wind came through it just caught an edge and ripped the 'ole thing off. We gave our carpenter friend a call and he came over as fast as he could, but he had to drive from the other side of what you city folk would call a mountain range. While we were waiting for him to come and put the roof back on, my dad n' I went up in the attic and started trying to stop the drips up there. Only problem is that when your roof is miss'n, there is drips everywhere."
"Time to get a ton of margarine tubs!"
"Well, that idea didn't get us to far, but then my dad remembered that out in the barn he had some ol' gutter, so while he kept mess'n around in the sopp'n wet insulation and margarine tubs, I ran an' gotta couple pieces of that gutter. And what do ya know? We got some proper plumbing up there."
"So did your carpenter dude ever show up?"
"Yeah, about time we got the aqueducts perfected he shows up. After just about getting blown off the roof a couple times he got the paper back down solid and tight enough to be hurricane proof and headed home. So looong story short, I think we'll get to do some redecorating to keep the mom happy."
"Um, no I don't know how that one goes. Seriously, what's the long story for how you got yourself covered in stink'n insulation?" Says my friend Jordan, who just doesn't get it.
"You're sure ya want the long story?"
"What did I just say, man?"
"Okay, okay, okay, last night we had what would've been The Big Storm. We got the 70-80 mile per hour gusts, handful of inches of rain and all that. Problem was that we were replacing the roof."
"Would've been The Big Storm?"
"'K, short history lesson. This year's storm would've been The Big Storm, except that last year we had a storm where it dumped rain like crazy and it just about flooded the house. That would've been The Big Storm, except for the year before that. 'Cause that year we had this really big wind and rain storm which blew over close to half of the woods, which didn't do the loggers no favors. And in that storm it knocked out the power for a couple days, and flooded out the next valley over, making it The Big Storm. Even though the year before we had named that winters storm The Big Storm for other various reasons. So yeah, we'd got a carpenter friend of ours to pull off the roof and he started putting on some new shingles when the weather gets a bit wet, so he figures he'd better seal stuff up. He tar-papered the whole thing, which should keep all the rain from leak'n through."
"Dude, why do you put tar paper on your roof? Even I know paper isn't water proof."
"Jordan, you are a city boy! Paper ain't water proof, but if ya soak it in tar it is. He had that paper on good and tight. No water was gonna get through it, but then we heard there was high wind warning, but we were still like "no worries, this can handle a little wind." As usual though, it wasn't a little wind, it was a BIG wind. Dur'n the evening my mom comes down the stairs from her room freak'n out like crazy. It seems that there was water pour'n through the ceiling into her room and just about every where else too."
"So maybe your tar paper leaked?"
"Well after setting up margarine tubs and anything else we could think of under the leaks, we went to see what we could see. And there was that tar paper hanging off the edge of the roof, most of the way torn off."
"I thought you put that tar paper on tight."
"There's a difference between tight and hurricane proof. When the wind came through it just caught an edge and ripped the 'ole thing off. We gave our carpenter friend a call and he came over as fast as he could, but he had to drive from the other side of what you city folk would call a mountain range. While we were waiting for him to come and put the roof back on, my dad n' I went up in the attic and started trying to stop the drips up there. Only problem is that when your roof is miss'n, there is drips everywhere."
"Time to get a ton of margarine tubs!"
"Well, that idea didn't get us to far, but then my dad remembered that out in the barn he had some ol' gutter, so while he kept mess'n around in the sopp'n wet insulation and margarine tubs, I ran an' gotta couple pieces of that gutter. And what do ya know? We got some proper plumbing up there."
"So did your carpenter dude ever show up?"
"Yeah, about time we got the aqueducts perfected he shows up. After just about getting blown off the roof a couple times he got the paper back down solid and tight enough to be hurricane proof and headed home. So looong story short, I think we'll get to do some redecorating to keep the mom happy."
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Redneck Sensitivity Training Part 1.
Chores are a fact of country life that is mostly forgotten by immigrants to the city and is well...um... shall we say fantasized by Disney. The modern hip thought among city kids is that chores are for "momma's boys" and people with nothing better to do. Disney on the other hand doesn't help out much by making out chores as something that happens on beautiful sunny days, when all the animals run around and do them for you while you sing a "Happy Working Song" or something to that effect. Truth be told, they've just never done it. And here is my semi-sorta-list of the reality of chores.
First, chores never happen at convienient time, they typically are either an even twelve hours apart (translated 6 o'clock in the morning and 6 o'clock at night) or they are when it gets light in the morning and when it get's dark at night (which in the middle of the summer can mean 4 o'clock in the late night and 10 o'clock in the earlier night).
First point five, this one is rather obvious if you've ever done them but for the sake of the innocent. If there is any possibility of rain, it will occur exactly when you go out to do the chores. There's no point waiting for it to quit, cause rain has an excruciating amount of patience.
Second, chores are not pretty. Contrary to popular belief, chores do not consist of roping steers, shooting guns, or any other form of redneck fun. Instead they consist of mucking stalls, milking ornery cows and goats (which have this idea that it's their purpose in life to kick your face in and kick the milk bucket), and frequently having to hike through fields which are ankle deep in aforementioned muck.
Third, I have to disagree with Paul on this one. I would not prefer that it were hot or cold, I would prefer that it be lukewarm. However, I'm not in charge. Think for a minute about one of those days in the winter that it's so cold that you just want to stay inside and drink some more espresso. Now think about how much colder it must have been in the middle of the night when some poor farmer had to get up and break all the ice off his cows water tubs. Think again (hopefully I haven't used up all of your thoughts for the day already) of one of those incredibly hot days, where you start sweating just looking outside, from your air conditioned house. Before a farmer looks out the window of his non-air-conditioned house, he already know that it must be a perfect day for making hay. Thus when I wake up on one of those days, I already know that I'm gonna be stuck in the top of a barn (where it's 10 degrees hotter) stacking 50 pound hay bales.
Fourth, singing does not cause the animals to instantly grow brains and do their own chores. It may however, cause the goats to give sour milk and the chickens to lay double yoked eggs.
Fifth, ....gotcha, there isn't any...wahahaha!
Sixth, unless you live on a dude ranch, chores are not a "once in a life time experience." Truth be told they aren't a biannual, annual, semiannual, quarterly, bimonthly, monthly, fortnightly, weekly, or even daily event. They occur exactly twice a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for the rest of your life.
You are now fully trained in sensitivity and awareness of chores.
First, chores never happen at convienient time, they typically are either an even twelve hours apart (translated 6 o'clock in the morning and 6 o'clock at night) or they are when it gets light in the morning and when it get's dark at night (which in the middle of the summer can mean 4 o'clock in the late night and 10 o'clock in the earlier night).
First point five, this one is rather obvious if you've ever done them but for the sake of the innocent. If there is any possibility of rain, it will occur exactly when you go out to do the chores. There's no point waiting for it to quit, cause rain has an excruciating amount of patience.
Second, chores are not pretty. Contrary to popular belief, chores do not consist of roping steers, shooting guns, or any other form of redneck fun. Instead they consist of mucking stalls, milking ornery cows and goats (which have this idea that it's their purpose in life to kick your face in and kick the milk bucket), and frequently having to hike through fields which are ankle deep in aforementioned muck.
Third, I have to disagree with Paul on this one. I would not prefer that it were hot or cold, I would prefer that it be lukewarm. However, I'm not in charge. Think for a minute about one of those days in the winter that it's so cold that you just want to stay inside and drink some more espresso. Now think about how much colder it must have been in the middle of the night when some poor farmer had to get up and break all the ice off his cows water tubs. Think again (hopefully I haven't used up all of your thoughts for the day already) of one of those incredibly hot days, where you start sweating just looking outside, from your air conditioned house. Before a farmer looks out the window of his non-air-conditioned house, he already know that it must be a perfect day for making hay. Thus when I wake up on one of those days, I already know that I'm gonna be stuck in the top of a barn (where it's 10 degrees hotter) stacking 50 pound hay bales.
Fourth, singing does not cause the animals to instantly grow brains and do their own chores. It may however, cause the goats to give sour milk and the chickens to lay double yoked eggs.
Fifth, ....gotcha, there isn't any...wahahaha!
Sixth, unless you live on a dude ranch, chores are not a "once in a life time experience." Truth be told they aren't a biannual, annual, semiannual, quarterly, bimonthly, monthly, fortnightly, weekly, or even daily event. They occur exactly twice a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for the rest of your life.
You are now fully trained in sensitivity and awareness of chores.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Popped?
"Why is ya collar popped?"
"Cause, umm, it's kind of cool to pop your collar."
"Yeah man, but ya gotta be cool before ya pop your collar. If ya ain't cool before ya pop your collar, you're totally not cool with it popped."
Maybe you remember the trauma of wearing a polo and trying to figure out if you were cool enough to pop the collar (trust me, you weren't). Well don't worry, cause it's just one of those things you'll never find some easy rule for. However, there are some easy things to do, which will keep your polo style out of trouble.
First: Buy the right size. Meaning it makes it to your belt, but you're sure to still see some pants pocket when it isn't tucked in. Also, Polo Ralph Lauren models may look cool in catalogs, but skin tight shirts are best left to cyclists.
Second: They put buttons on them for a reason...to make life complicated. Never button the top button unless you want to look really homeskooled, however if you don't button any of them at all it generally looks worse. So rule of thumb is button all but the top button and do a mirror check. If it looks good, well that's good. If not then experiment with caution.
Third: You've got three options 1. just leave it untucked 2. make your mom's day and tuck it in 3. be super cool and show off your belt, but don't quite tuck it in (this also means you got the right size if you shirt will do this).
Fourth: Only pop the collar if you're cool enough.
"Cause, umm, it's kind of cool to pop your collar."
"Yeah man, but ya gotta be cool before ya pop your collar. If ya ain't cool before ya pop your collar, you're totally not cool with it popped."
Maybe you remember the trauma of wearing a polo and trying to figure out if you were cool enough to pop the collar (trust me, you weren't). Well don't worry, cause it's just one of those things you'll never find some easy rule for. However, there are some easy things to do, which will keep your polo style out of trouble.
First: Buy the right size. Meaning it makes it to your belt, but you're sure to still see some pants pocket when it isn't tucked in. Also, Polo Ralph Lauren models may look cool in catalogs, but skin tight shirts are best left to cyclists.
Second: They put buttons on them for a reason...to make life complicated. Never button the top button unless you want to look really homeskooled, however if you don't button any of them at all it generally looks worse. So rule of thumb is button all but the top button and do a mirror check. If it looks good, well that's good. If not then experiment with caution.
Third: You've got three options 1. just leave it untucked 2. make your mom's day and tuck it in 3. be super cool and show off your belt, but don't quite tuck it in (this also means you got the right size if you shirt will do this).
Fourth: Only pop the collar if you're cool enough.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Cows are dumb. Like really dumb. Like you wonder whether God might have contracted their brain design out to Microsoft dumb. If anybody tells you about how smart the cute little things are, give them one. They'll change their minds about the appearance, size, and IQ of those things pretty quickly. Just trust me.
We bought three beautiful (as in they'll make really good prime rib) steers this weekend. When they arrived, we unloaded the 500 pound calves into our corral where they seemed pretty content to munch on some hay. The next morning rather than getting up at the sound of the rooster making a racket, we got up to the sound of the phone making a racket. It's never good when the sheriff ruins your beauty sleep on a Sunday morning to tell you your future steaks are gallivanting across the neighborhood. Especially when they've decided to hole up on the 6th hole of your local golf club.
Enter into the mind of steer number one: It's really cramped in here...that dude in the corner really stinks...and the other dude ate MY hay. I'm gonna get outa' here...crash...twang...There's another fence! What do I do? I'm already runn'n at full speed...twang...crash...that one was close. OH COW!!! there's another dumb fence! What kinda idiot put them up just where I'm go'n?...bang...zing...crash...whew no more of those stupid fences. AHH! there's a huge monster next to me! oh, it's just that jerk who ate MY hay.
(instead of putting in a series of moos and mooooos, I'll just give a rough translation)
----------
Steer 1: Why are you here jerk?
Steer 2: You're the jerk!
Steer 1: AM NOT!
Steer 2: ARE TO!!!!...WHAT'S THAT?!?
Steer 1: IT'S TWO BRIGHT LIGHTS!
Steer 2: COMING RIGHT TOWARD US!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
Steer 1: Where are we?
Steer 2: I dunno.
Steer 1: Well lets get off this rock pasture.
Steer 2: Look at that pasture on the other side of the river!
Steer 1: It's BIG!
Steer 2: And GREEN!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
----------
We come on them again in the early hours of the morning near the 6th hole.
----------
Steer 2: I'm full.
Steer 1: Well leave some grass for me then, Jerk.
Steer 2: But Jerk, I can't quit eating.
Steer 1: Then leave, Jerk.
Steer 2: Why?
Steer 1: Cause.
Steer 2: Cause why?
Steer 1: Cause!
Steer 2: Cause? Cause why?
Steer 1: CAUSE CAUSE!
Steer 2: Look!
Steer 1: I am looking.
Steer 2: What do you see?
Steer 1: Your ugly face.
Steer 2: There's a field with a bunch of other cows over there!
Steer 1: There is?...There really is!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
...at least this fence is short...TWANG...
Steer 2: Hi.
Herd: Hi.
Steer 1: Is it all right with you if we hang out here?
Bull: Yeah, just don't eat the grass on MY side of the pasture.
Steer 2: We won't.
----------
So we drive to the golf course where we find that the steers have evacuated the 6th hole in favor of a neighbor's farm. My mom knows the nephew of The Neighbor, so I call my mom, who gives me the nephews number, so then I call the nephew, and eventually, after a couple of other neighbors and farmers show up, The Neighbor shows up. Once we get through the preliminary farmer talk, we get permission to leave the steers on their place until we can load them up in a trailer and haul them home. We then spend another fifteen minutes on farmer talk and then head home to clean up and go to church.
----------
Steer 2: I'm hungry.
Steer 1: Eat something then.
Steer 2: But this grass is brown.
Steer 1: Don't even THINK about it.
Steer 2: But it's so green.
Steer 1: Deal with it.
Steer 2: There's so much...he won't mind...I know it...
Bull: You're eating MY grass!
Steer 2: It was Jerks idea.
Bull: I don't care who's idea it is!
Steer 1: But I do!
Bull: I'll turn you both into HAMBURGER!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
...twang...
Steer 1: We're back in the big green pasture again.
Steer 2: And there are guys waving fancy sticks at us!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
----------
Steer 1: I like this corner of the pasture better anyways.
Steer 2: There's still guys waving fancy sticks at us...and there's guy in a big white thing as big as us!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
----------
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: Huff..puff..RUN!
----------
We got back from church and guess what? The sheriff left a message on our phone that the cows were now on the 9th green. When we get there the cows are half crazed from being chased by completely crazed golfers. With a lot of work we manage to herd the cows back into The Neighbors field, however we know that if they feel like getting out they'll just hop the fence. Time to call Another Neighbor, who has a portable rodeo style corral. With a little work (an hour is a little work three hours is a lot of work) we get Another Neighbor's corral set up in The Neighbors field. Only problem is the steers don't wanna go in the corral.
----------
Steer 2: What are those guys doing in Bull's side of the pasture?
Steer 1: Looks like they're building a bigger fence.
Steer 2: Maybe to put Bull in so we can eat all his grass.
Steer 1: Maybe not.
Steer 2: There's more guys.
Steer 1: Where?
Steer 2: Everywhere.
Steer 1: Except in the big fence.
Steer 2: Maybe we should go in the big fence to get away from them.
Steer 1: Go yourself.
Steer 2: Why?
Steer 1: I don't want Bull to make ME into hamburger!
Steer 2: The guys are coming closer!
Steer 1: WAY TO MUCH CLOSER!
Steer 2: WHAT DO WE DO?
Steer 1: GO TO THE BIG GREEN PASTURE!
Steer 2: HOW?
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
----------
Steer 2: Jerk...JERK...WHERE ARE YOU JERK???
----------
Steer 1: Serves him right.
----------
Obviously that idea didn't work. One steer ran back to the third hole and the other ran of into the woods. To be continued...
...well maybe not...it just sounds nice...well if you really want I might continue...but probably not...
We bought three beautiful (as in they'll make really good prime rib) steers this weekend. When they arrived, we unloaded the 500 pound calves into our corral where they seemed pretty content to munch on some hay. The next morning rather than getting up at the sound of the rooster making a racket, we got up to the sound of the phone making a racket. It's never good when the sheriff ruins your beauty sleep on a Sunday morning to tell you your future steaks are gallivanting across the neighborhood. Especially when they've decided to hole up on the 6th hole of your local golf club.
Enter into the mind of steer number one: It's really cramped in here...that dude in the corner really stinks...and the other dude ate MY hay. I'm gonna get outa' here...crash...twang...There's another fence! What do I do? I'm already runn'n at full speed...twang...crash...that one was close. OH COW!!! there's another dumb fence! What kinda idiot put them up just where I'm go'n?...bang...zing...crash...whew no more of those stupid fences. AHH! there's a huge monster next to me! oh, it's just that jerk who ate MY hay.
(instead of putting in a series of moos and mooooos, I'll just give a rough translation)
----------
Steer 1: Why are you here jerk?
Steer 2: You're the jerk!
Steer 1: AM NOT!
Steer 2: ARE TO!!!!...WHAT'S THAT?!?
Steer 1: IT'S TWO BRIGHT LIGHTS!
Steer 2: COMING RIGHT TOWARD US!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
Steer 1: Where are we?
Steer 2: I dunno.
Steer 1: Well lets get off this rock pasture.
Steer 2: Look at that pasture on the other side of the river!
Steer 1: It's BIG!
Steer 2: And GREEN!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
----------
We come on them again in the early hours of the morning near the 6th hole.
----------
Steer 2: I'm full.
Steer 1: Well leave some grass for me then, Jerk.
Steer 2: But Jerk, I can't quit eating.
Steer 1: Then leave, Jerk.
Steer 2: Why?
Steer 1: Cause.
Steer 2: Cause why?
Steer 1: Cause!
Steer 2: Cause? Cause why?
Steer 1: CAUSE CAUSE!
Steer 2: Look!
Steer 1: I am looking.
Steer 2: What do you see?
Steer 1: Your ugly face.
Steer 2: There's a field with a bunch of other cows over there!
Steer 1: There is?...There really is!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
...at least this fence is short...TWANG...
Steer 2: Hi.
Herd: Hi.
Steer 1: Is it all right with you if we hang out here?
Bull: Yeah, just don't eat the grass on MY side of the pasture.
Steer 2: We won't.
----------
So we drive to the golf course where we find that the steers have evacuated the 6th hole in favor of a neighbor's farm. My mom knows the nephew of The Neighbor, so I call my mom, who gives me the nephews number, so then I call the nephew, and eventually, after a couple of other neighbors and farmers show up, The Neighbor shows up. Once we get through the preliminary farmer talk, we get permission to leave the steers on their place until we can load them up in a trailer and haul them home. We then spend another fifteen minutes on farmer talk and then head home to clean up and go to church.
----------
Steer 2: I'm hungry.
Steer 1: Eat something then.
Steer 2: But this grass is brown.
Steer 1: Don't even THINK about it.
Steer 2: But it's so green.
Steer 1: Deal with it.
Steer 2: There's so much...he won't mind...I know it...
Bull: You're eating MY grass!
Steer 2: It was Jerks idea.
Bull: I don't care who's idea it is!
Steer 1: But I do!
Bull: I'll turn you both into HAMBURGER!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
...twang...
Steer 1: We're back in the big green pasture again.
Steer 2: And there are guys waving fancy sticks at us!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
----------
Steer 1: I like this corner of the pasture better anyways.
Steer 2: There's still guys waving fancy sticks at us...and there's guy in a big white thing as big as us!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
----------
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: Huff..puff..RUN!
----------
We got back from church and guess what? The sheriff left a message on our phone that the cows were now on the 9th green. When we get there the cows are half crazed from being chased by completely crazed golfers. With a lot of work we manage to herd the cows back into The Neighbors field, however we know that if they feel like getting out they'll just hop the fence. Time to call Another Neighbor, who has a portable rodeo style corral. With a little work (an hour is a little work three hours is a lot of work) we get Another Neighbor's corral set up in The Neighbors field. Only problem is the steers don't wanna go in the corral.
----------
Steer 2: What are those guys doing in Bull's side of the pasture?
Steer 1: Looks like they're building a bigger fence.
Steer 2: Maybe to put Bull in so we can eat all his grass.
Steer 1: Maybe not.
Steer 2: There's more guys.
Steer 1: Where?
Steer 2: Everywhere.
Steer 1: Except in the big fence.
Steer 2: Maybe we should go in the big fence to get away from them.
Steer 1: Go yourself.
Steer 2: Why?
Steer 1: I don't want Bull to make ME into hamburger!
Steer 2: The guys are coming closer!
Steer 1: WAY TO MUCH CLOSER!
Steer 2: WHAT DO WE DO?
Steer 1: GO TO THE BIG GREEN PASTURE!
Steer 2: HOW?
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
----------
Steer 2: Jerk...JERK...WHERE ARE YOU JERK???
----------
Steer 1: Serves him right.
----------
Obviously that idea didn't work. One steer ran back to the third hole and the other ran of into the woods. To be continued...
...well maybe not...it just sounds nice...well if you really want I might continue...but probably not...
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
iHate
Would you like an iPod, an iTouch, an iPhone?
Oh, you're wanting an accessory to go with your iPod/iTouch/iPhone.
We have an iHome, an iSound, an iRock, an iRun, an iHome mini, an iFlow. What would you like your accessory to do?
Yes, we have lots of cases. There's the iPouch, the iStrap, the iCase, the iPack...
What kind of an iPod do you need a case for?
Heaven Save Us!!!! You? cough.. have a Sansa? gag...choke...
I'm sorry, but we don't carry Sansa cases, but could I interest you in an iPod, which we could also sell you a case for?
There's the iPod Nano which is only $149, or the iPod Classic which is $200, there's the iPhone which also functions as a cell phone, and if you simply love cruising the internet on a motor scooter there's the iTouch.
You want it to have built in speakers?
Well, it doesn't come with speakers, but for a minimal fee we could include a free speaker system with your iPod purchase.
You don't want an iPod?!?!?
Well you really do at least want an iScratch. It's great for that one itch you can't quite reach. And we also have the iAlarm with a digital display and iPod controller built in, which you'll simply love.
Your positive you don't want an iAlarm? Maybe it's just that your computer is a slow decrepit Windows. We have a great iMac which only costs $1,500 instead of a comparable Dell at $500.
Well that's rude! He just hung up on me. I guess I'll go back to reading my iBook.
Oh, you're wanting an accessory to go with your iPod/iTouch/iPhone.
We have an iHome, an iSound, an iRock, an iRun, an iHome mini, an iFlow. What would you like your accessory to do?
Yes, we have lots of cases. There's the iPouch, the iStrap, the iCase, the iPack...
What kind of an iPod do you need a case for?
Heaven Save Us!!!! You? cough.. have a Sansa? gag...choke...
I'm sorry, but we don't carry Sansa cases, but could I interest you in an iPod, which we could also sell you a case for?
There's the iPod Nano which is only $149, or the iPod Classic which is $200, there's the iPhone which also functions as a cell phone, and if you simply love cruising the internet on a motor scooter there's the iTouch.
You want it to have built in speakers?
Well, it doesn't come with speakers, but for a minimal fee we could include a free speaker system with your iPod purchase.
You don't want an iPod?!?!?
Well you really do at least want an iScratch. It's great for that one itch you can't quite reach. And we also have the iAlarm with a digital display and iPod controller built in, which you'll simply love.
Your positive you don't want an iAlarm? Maybe it's just that your computer is a slow decrepit Windows. We have a great iMac which only costs $1,500 instead of a comparable Dell at $500.
Well that's rude! He just hung up on me. I guess I'll go back to reading my iBook.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Hats off!
When you watch an old movie (I mean old like Cary Grant or Jimmy Stewart), there's something different other than that it's monochrome (I like the word, it's a fancy way of saying black and white). Everyone, wears a hat, suit, and tie! Now days in the movies, the only people stuck in the suit and tie are stuffy businessmen and millionaires. But only the most eccentric men are found wearing a hat with their suit and tie. So what I'm getting around to is, times have changed.
The great part is that I know that when I get stuck with a horrid thing called responsibility and a job, I probably won't even have to wear a suit. Even greater though is, the hat isn't lost. By the 50's nobody liked the hat because it was so serious and lacking in character, they simply wore it because everyone did. Then some people didn't, and by the 80's it was dead (insert funeral music). Good ridance was the general opinion (mine included).
Enter the 2000's and what happens...
The hat returns, but with an irreverent sense of fun and style. Soon Billabong, Quicksilver, Hurley, Fox, French Connection, and more are selling hats. But these hats aren't meant to go with your stuffy and stiff suit, these are meant to go with your favorite pair of jeans. Whether you're going to the beach or hanging at a party, these hats give you some flair.
The most popular and classic is the fedora, which can give you a preppy look...or gangster if you do it right.
Also for a more toned down and slightly euro feel you can try the newsboy cap.
Last, and definitely least, on my list is the top hat. If you're a rapper, or just want everyone to look at you funny you can try it, just know I won't talk to you again.
If this post has inspired you to go and buy a brand new trendy or not so trendy hat, I suggest you check out Kangol's collection at www.KangolStore.com they sell top notch hats.
That's all for now folks.
The great part is that I know that when I get stuck with a horrid thing called responsibility and a job, I probably won't even have to wear a suit. Even greater though is, the hat isn't lost. By the 50's nobody liked the hat because it was so serious and lacking in character, they simply wore it because everyone did. Then some people didn't, and by the 80's it was dead (insert funeral music). Good ridance was the general opinion (mine included).
Enter the 2000's and what happens...
The hat returns, but with an irreverent sense of fun and style. Soon Billabong, Quicksilver, Hurley, Fox, French Connection, and more are selling hats. But these hats aren't meant to go with your stuffy and stiff suit, these are meant to go with your favorite pair of jeans. Whether you're going to the beach or hanging at a party, these hats give you some flair.
The most popular and classic is the fedora, which can give you a preppy look...or gangster if you do it right.
Also for a more toned down and slightly euro feel you can try the newsboy cap.
Last, and definitely least, on my list is the top hat. If you're a rapper, or just want everyone to look at you funny you can try it, just know I won't talk to you again.If this post has inspired you to go and buy a brand new trendy or not so trendy hat, I suggest you check out Kangol's collection at www.KangolStore.com they sell top notch hats.
That's all for now folks.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Doom is approaching
So yeah, the skool year is about to start, which means we need to find some good ways to distract ourselves and waste time.
Here's this year's top five:
1. Fiddle with a pencil (old skool is the kool skool)
2. Twitter.Com (new skool way of passing notes)
3. Play Tetris online (if you actually remember this game, then you know you're old, or you just use an ancient computer)
4. Silent BeatBoxing (believe me it's awesome, however if you aren't silent your teacher'll kill ya)
5. Think of your quad (or the quad you'll get some day)
Here's wishing you a miserable new school year!
*and a bonus which only works if you have a classmate: play tic-tac-toe
Here's this year's top five:
1. Fiddle with a pencil (old skool is the kool skool)
2. Twitter.Com (new skool way of passing notes)
3. Play Tetris online (if you actually remember this game, then you know you're old, or you just use an ancient computer)
4. Silent BeatBoxing (believe me it's awesome, however if you aren't silent your teacher'll kill ya)
5. Think of your quad (or the quad you'll get some day)
Here's wishing you a miserable new school year!
*and a bonus which only works if you have a classmate: play tic-tac-toe
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Welcome (just a manner of speaking...get out if you value your life)
So welcome to The Home Skooled. Yes, I do know how to spell it correctly. I just don't. We'll see if I ever post anything, and if I do whether it's even worth reading.
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