Today I had a fictitious interview with Bradley Wiggins, who is currently winning the Tour de France.
I first plan to win the Tour, which some blokes take for granted, but it is really imperitive.
After winning the Tour though?
I plan to sit on my couch and watch the Olympics.
Are you hoping to see one of your teammates win the Olympics?
Well if that certain mate of mine from Manx takes the win I won't complain, but I won't be watching either.
Really?
No offense to my sport, but it's bloody boring when you could be watching beach volley ball. Honestly, hardly anyone watches the Olympics for the sports. It's just an excuse to watch boring athletes run around in spandex.
So what about the Tour audience?
It's France, they'll watch anything if it gives them an excuse to go on holiday and drink a beer. The smartest blokes are in the pubs. Three weeks of drinking for five hours and watching five minutes of racing...and the missus can't complain.
This is more of a celebrity question, but what is your secret?
My secret? Well it's not a secret now that I'm telling you, but honestly I use extra chamois cream. It's like greasing the axle of your lorry. If you spread the cream thick all around, you can reduce friction by 85%. With that saves you could wear a superman cape and still be faster.
Now that that secret has been shared and all the other pros are sure to follow your lead. What will you do when they all start competing with you again?
I think I'll become Dr. Who.
There is already a Dr. Who.
Actually there are already multiple Dr. Who's.
Well, that being the case, why do you expect them to hire you?
I'm British, I look half-starved, have sideburns, and really wish to wed a nerdy young lady.
Well good luck with that...
Just to be clear this interview occurred in a spacious and classy hotel suite located in the more fantastic and disturbing areas of my mind and in no way represent the thoughts, let alone words of Bradley himself.
