Cows are dumb. Like really dumb. Like you wonder whether God might have contracted their brain design out to Microsoft dumb. If anybody tells you about how smart the cute little things are, give them one. They'll change their minds about the appearance, size, and IQ of those things pretty quickly. Just trust me.
We bought three beautiful (as in they'll make really good prime rib) steers this weekend. When they arrived, we unloaded the 500 pound calves into our corral where they seemed pretty content to munch on some hay. The next morning rather than getting up at the sound of the rooster making a racket, we got up to the sound of the phone making a racket. It's never good when the sheriff ruins your beauty sleep on a Sunday morning to tell you your future steaks are gallivanting across the neighborhood. Especially when they've decided to hole up on the 6th hole of your local golf club.
Enter into the mind of steer number one: It's really cramped in here...that dude in the corner really stinks...and the other dude ate MY hay. I'm gonna get outa' here...crash...twang...There's another fence! What do I do? I'm already runn'n at full speed...twang...crash...that one was close. OH COW!!! there's another dumb fence! What kinda idiot put them up just where I'm go'n?...bang...zing...crash...whew no more of those stupid fences. AHH! there's a huge monster next to me! oh, it's just that jerk who ate MY hay.
(instead of putting in a series of moos and mooooos, I'll just give a rough translation)
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Steer 1: Why are you here jerk?
Steer 2: You're the jerk!
Steer 1: AM NOT!
Steer 2: ARE TO!!!!...WHAT'S THAT?!?
Steer 1: IT'S TWO BRIGHT LIGHTS!
Steer 2: COMING RIGHT TOWARD US!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
Steer 1: Where are we?
Steer 2: I dunno.
Steer 1: Well lets get off this rock pasture.
Steer 2: Look at that pasture on the other side of the river!
Steer 1: It's BIG!
Steer 2: And GREEN!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
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We come on them again in the early hours of the morning near the 6th hole.
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Steer 2: I'm full.
Steer 1: Well leave some grass for me then, Jerk.
Steer 2: But Jerk, I can't quit eating.
Steer 1: Then leave, Jerk.
Steer 2: Why?
Steer 1: Cause.
Steer 2: Cause why?
Steer 1: Cause!
Steer 2: Cause? Cause why?
Steer 1: CAUSE CAUSE!
Steer 2: Look!
Steer 1: I am looking.
Steer 2: What do you see?
Steer 1: Your ugly face.
Steer 2: There's a field with a bunch of other cows over there!
Steer 1: There is?...There really is!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
...at least this fence is short...TWANG...
Steer 2: Hi.
Herd: Hi.
Steer 1: Is it all right with you if we hang out here?
Bull: Yeah, just don't eat the grass on MY side of the pasture.
Steer 2: We won't.
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So we drive to the golf course where we find that the steers have evacuated the 6th hole in favor of a neighbor's farm. My mom knows the nephew of The Neighbor, so I call my mom, who gives me the nephews number, so then I call the nephew, and eventually, after a couple of other neighbors and farmers show up, The Neighbor shows up. Once we get through the preliminary farmer talk, we get permission to leave the steers on their place until we can load them up in a trailer and haul them home. We then spend another fifteen minutes on farmer talk and then head home to clean up and go to church.
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Steer 2: I'm hungry.
Steer 1: Eat something then.
Steer 2: But this grass is brown.
Steer 1: Don't even THINK about it.
Steer 2: But it's so green.
Steer 1: Deal with it.
Steer 2: There's so much...he won't mind...I know it...
Bull: You're eating MY grass!
Steer 2: It was Jerks idea.
Bull: I don't care who's idea it is!
Steer 1: But I do!
Bull: I'll turn you both into HAMBURGER!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
...twang...
Steer 1: We're back in the big green pasture again.
Steer 2: And there are guys waving fancy sticks at us!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
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Steer 1: I like this corner of the pasture better anyways.
Steer 2: There's still guys waving fancy sticks at us...and there's guy in a big white thing as big as us!
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
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Steers 1 and 2 in unison: Huff..puff..RUN!
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We got back from church and guess what? The sheriff left a message on our phone that the cows were now on the 9th green. When we get there the cows are half crazed from being chased by completely crazed golfers. With a lot of work we manage to herd the cows back into The Neighbors field, however we know that if they feel like getting out they'll just hop the fence. Time to call Another Neighbor, who has a portable rodeo style corral. With a little work (an hour is a little work three hours is a lot of work) we get Another Neighbor's corral set up in The Neighbors field. Only problem is the steers don't wanna go in the corral.
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Steer 2: What are those guys doing in Bull's side of the pasture?
Steer 1: Looks like they're building a bigger fence.
Steer 2: Maybe to put Bull in so we can eat all his grass.
Steer 1: Maybe not.
Steer 2: There's more guys.
Steer 1: Where?
Steer 2: Everywhere.
Steer 1: Except in the big fence.
Steer 2: Maybe we should go in the big fence to get away from them.
Steer 1: Go yourself.
Steer 2: Why?
Steer 1: I don't want Bull to make ME into hamburger!
Steer 2: The guys are coming closer!
Steer 1: WAY TO MUCH CLOSER!
Steer 2: WHAT DO WE DO?
Steer 1: GO TO THE BIG GREEN PASTURE!
Steer 2: HOW?
Steers 1 and 2 in unison: RUN!
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Steer 2: Jerk...JERK...WHERE ARE YOU JERK???
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Steer 1: Serves him right.
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Obviously that idea didn't work. One steer ran back to the third hole and the other ran of into the woods. To be continued...
...well maybe not...it just sounds nice...well if you really want I might continue...but probably not...
Clever. You have a gift for tale-telling. Must come with the territory. :)
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