Redneck Sensitivity Training Part 1.

Chores are a fact of country life that is mostly forgotten by immigrants to the city and is well...um... shall we say fantasized by Disney. The modern hip thought among city kids is that chores are for "momma's boys" and people with nothing better to do. Disney on the other hand doesn't help out much by making out chores as something that happens on beautiful sunny days, when all the animals run around and do them for you while you sing a "Happy Working Song" or something to that effect. Truth be told, they've just never done it. And here is my semi-sorta-list of the reality of chores.

First, chores never happen at convienient time, they typically are either an even twelve hours apart (translated 6 o'clock in the morning and 6 o'clock at night) or they are when it gets light in the morning and when it get's dark at night (which in the middle of the summer can mean 4 o'clock in the late night and 10 o'clock in the earlier night).

First point five, this one is rather obvious if you've ever done them but for the sake of the innocent. If there is any possibility of rain, it will occur exactly when you go out to do the chores. There's no point waiting for it to quit, cause rain has an excruciating amount of patience.

Second, chores are not pretty. Contrary to popular belief, chores do not consist of roping steers, shooting guns, or any other form of redneck fun. Instead they consist of mucking stalls, milking ornery cows and goats (which have this idea that it's their purpose in life to kick your face in and kick the milk bucket), and frequently having to hike through fields which are ankle deep in aforementioned muck.

Third, I have to disagree with Paul on this one. I would not prefer that it were hot or cold, I would prefer that it be lukewarm. However, I'm not in charge. Think for a minute about one of those days in the winter that it's so cold that you just want to stay inside and drink some more espresso. Now think about how much colder it must have been in the middle of the night when some poor farmer had to get up and break all the ice off his cows water tubs. Think again (hopefully I haven't used up all of your thoughts for the day already) of one of those incredibly hot days, where you start sweating just looking outside, from your air conditioned house. Before a farmer looks out the window of his non-air-conditioned house, he already know that it must be a perfect day for making hay. Thus when I wake up on one of those days, I already know that I'm gonna be stuck in the top of a barn (where it's 10 degrees hotter) stacking 50 pound hay bales.

Fourth, singing does not cause the animals to instantly grow brains and do their own chores. It may however, cause the goats to give sour milk and the chickens to lay double yoked eggs.

Fifth, ....gotcha, there isn't any...wahahaha!

Sixth, unless you live on a dude ranch, chores are not a "once in a life time experience." Truth be told they aren't a biannual, annual, semiannual, quarterly, bimonthly, monthly, fortnightly, weekly, or even daily event. They occur exactly twice a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for the rest of your life.

You are now fully trained in sensitivity and awareness of chores.